EQS SUV – A Grand Lottery
I'm holding a lottery ticket in my hand.
On the ticket, there are three scratch opportunities; matching all of them means winning the grand prize: the perfect story.
I scratch off the first part and the destination appears: the northeast corner of Poland. The deepest lake in the country – Hańcza. Unexpected and unconventional. The Suwałki Region is one of the cleanest areas in Poland. Clean in terms of nature, free from crowds of tourists, from advertising banners along the roads, and from… light!
Scratch-off number 2. I excitedly scratch it with my thumbnail and there it is! Four nights in a luxury condo. Date: (almost) mid-August. I must bring the hotel room to the location myself. It's a Mercedes EQS SUV. The largest passenger car in Mercedes' electric family. A condominium on wheels. The key phrase during the pandemic. I've never spent a holiday in a camper, but at first glance, the EQS resembles a living room with leather lounges rather than a complete living space with a bedroom and bathroom.
I quickly glance at the specification sheet. With the rear seats folded down, the distance from the end of the boot, to the front-row seats is about two meters. So, theoretically, there's room for an inflatable mattress, my “hotel bed”. And the view from the window, or rather from ten windows? I can choose it myself, travel halfway across the globe (that electrified part), and stop sideways, across, or upside down. I have a vista on all sides of the world and even upwards, towards the starry expanse.
Scratch-off number 3. I start to scratch it off but think that the previous two turned out so well that I'll save this one for dessert… Maybe I'll scratch it off on-site and let myself be surprised again by what I find?
Alright, it's time to make myself at home in my new home. The “S” class has always been synonymous with luxury. For many years, limousines have carried politicians, CEOs, and heirs in their rear seats. Those who wanted to identify with a more active lifestyle and take along a dog, a bike, or a picnic set, and drive off the paved roads, would look either to the G-class or altogether towards Great Britain. And for those of them, to whom Geländewagen, with its rich history and excellent off-road capabilities, wasn’t “posh” enough and not “S” enough, the biggest seller is its non-leaky nature. Then came the American aspirations of European and Japanese brands, and in 2006 in Detroit, Mercedes unveiled the GL model (X164). Ten years later, its now grown-up descendant from the 2013 model year, saw a facelift and a letter badge, around which this entire article revolves – The (GL) S. At this point, it became clear what this car was supposed to be—an S-class where one sits high in fashionable manner, an S-class in station wagon version. The third generation added a Maybach version, which will also appear in the EQ family – fully electric.
What is the EQS SUV all about? Although a new nomenclature for electric cars has appeared in the world of Mercedes, the “S” still means the same: the largest model in the line-up. The largest and most luxurious, with all the latest technological bells and whistles and travel comfort at the highest level (more luxurious can only be the previously mentioned Maybach version). The test version is the 580 4Matic model equipped with a 120 kWh battery. The official range promises 485 kilometres, but that's only a theory. The energy goes to two motors producing a total of 544 bhp and 858Nm of torque, and despite weighing nearly three tons, the car accelerates rapidly to speeds that are not proper to mention here. Moreover, the sense of guilt in terms of breaking the law is enhanced by the silence inside. The absence of a combustion engine is one thing, but the tested model was equipped with a soundproofing package containing double-glazed glass windows. The only sounds that come from outside are generated by the tyres (a 275/45 on 21” rims with a GoodYear Eagle F1 tyres) and the wind at much higher speeds.
I release the accelerator and check if the strongest recuperation can stop the car. It can – the car slows down almost to a halt, but not wanting to cause a disturbance on the road, I keep driving. The silence of lawful driving can be disturbed in three ways. The first is to choose one of three sound simulations of acceleration (the intensity decreases when driving at a constant speed) – two of them sound quasi-engine-like, and the third seems straight out of a sci-fi movie.
None of them appealed to me enough to win over the quiet potential of a concert hall. Because inside the EQS, when you play music, you can feel like you're in a concert hall. The stars on the hood – one large and hundreds of small ones – prompt the search for music inspired by space. The choice falls on Gustav Holst's suite “The Planets”. Burmester audio with its numerous speakers on board creates a depth that pierces the entire body.
What concert halls lack (at least in the few where I've had the chance to listen to concerts), are such comfortable seats. The massage function in any car is a stretch for me because the inflating balls pressing on my back do not relax me, but rather irritate me. More interesting are the “training” and mini-kinetics of the seats, which motivate you to tense your muscles and change your position during the journey. But all of that is nothing compared to the ventilation with cool air, especially on such a hot day as this summer. Dolby Surround of air conditioning.
Another surprise is the steering wheel. I’m a sucker for nice steering wheels, I appreciate their design, and I value the most those that are the original – round. To my delight, the “Electric Art” trim includes one. Without a flattened bottom for too-long calves (there's plenty of room, and you can also activate the comfort entry function), without aggressive profiling for thumbs (it's there, but almost unnoticeable). The rim is definitely thicker and probably has a larger diameter than those in the AMG versions. Really, it's only while holding the steering wheel that I felt I was driving a large vehicle. Despite the external dimensions, it's not obvious, most likely also due to the rear-wheel steering. At low speeds up to 10 degrees, which makes the turning diameter only 11 meters (VW Golf is only 10 cm better), and I must mention that the car is over five meters long. The interior accommodates passengers quite snugly. Wooden accents, warm tones of materials, and flowing, organic lines of the dashboard and doors enhance the sense of cosiness. The effect is further enhanced by atmospheric lighting – God only knows in how many different hues – and the cherry on top are the pillows in the headrests…
Alright Michael, time to wake up!
Such an expensive car – starting at 110000 € – cannot promise only comfort features and senses pleasing add-ons. The car must be smart and have at least two screens larger than those on which I watched “Seven Wishes” (Polish TV series) thirty years ago. Moreover, at the command of "Hathor, hathor, hathor!" (in German: "Hey, Mercedes"), it should tell jokes about BMW.
Onboard system can be asked to adjust a series of functions, but the effect of interaction in Polish slightly spoils the synthetic way the system speaks. In the tested model, there were five screens (plus one HUD), three of which were hidden under a single glass panel – the Hyperscreen. They can be operated in various ways: touchscreen, partly from the steering wheel, or voice control. There are as few buttons on the dashboard as possible, and I particularly missed those for controlling the air conditioning. Well, you can say "Hathor, hathor, hathor," but first – I'm shy, and second – I would rather not shout over the orchestra (still playing), now passing the Jupiter.
And since we've already fallen into the gravitational field of the gas giant, let's talk about the G-forces to which our Star is capable. The car weighs 2810kg and, just like Jupiter among its planetary companions, is the heaviest model in the Mercedes range. Despite this, it accelerates to 62 Mph in 4.6s. It's not a record in the electric world, but perhaps the AMG version will beat it. One might think that stiffer suspension in “Sport” driving mode, a low-mounted battery, and “torque vectoring” would keep the giant on course in the corners. Unfortunately, the laws of physics are hard to bend, and one must accept that it's not a light roadster that changes directions nimbly and confidently.
What limits interstellar voyages is also a matter of fuel. Planning a tour around Poland is also like planning a conquest of space – there are few chargers in the northeast. It is like planning with a map and a caliper. Calculating distances and setting priorities for power consumption. Fortunately, Hańcza is not far from Suwałki, where I located a 140kW station. While charging, I was alone for a while (at two stations) and managed to charge 91kWh in 60 minutes, which seems a tolerable result. Cost: 80 €. But that's also because I'm not a frequent grid user and have no subscription. That would be more economical for those who use chargers more frequently.
Waiting for the batteries to recharge, I remembered that I have one more scratch-off! One more chance to complete 100% of the plan. And that plan includes photographing the Perseids fall. I'm at the spot a couple of days too early for their peak, but something will definitely enter Earth's atmosphere, as the phenomenon lasts over a month. I'm prepared from A to Z. I have a camera and a tripod, and a stars-ready Nikon binoculars.
Furthermore, I'm in one of the two darkest regions in the country. I even have two roof windows of the EQS – I can stare at the sky all night. I pull out the ticket and scratch. Category: weather. Result: clouds, rain, and no visible stars. All or Nothing. For the rest of the afternoon and evening, rain drizzles, and droplets gather on the lens; nothing will come out of it except big disappointment. All the local bugs and other creatures make their way into the dry and seductively comfortable sleeping quarters at the back of the Mercedes, which at this point can only become a sleeping capsule, accompanied by the rumble of rain…
The disappointment of the previous evening's weather was compounded by the rays of sun that woke me the next day. I look through all the windows, a beautiful day is promised. Over Hańcza, there's still a remnant of fog, in the background someone is fishing from a boat.
While preparing a mo(u)rning coffee and meditating about Space. The only stars I've seen here are the ones on the EQS grill. I feel angry at Mother Nature, I resent the calendar, and blame fate. But that's how it is with lotteries – you usually lose. At least on the way back, I felt interstellarly relaxed.
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Have a good one!